Three Things to NOT Fall in Love with as a Speaker

What does preparing your presentation have in common with dating?

Ever been in a terrible relationship that you found it difficult to end or walk away from? In your heart, you knew that looking at things in the cold light of truth, this relationship was hurting you and you would never be all that you could be as long as you remained in it.Yet you held on – believing, or rather, deceiving yourself that it would be all right in the end – things would somehow work themselves out and you would live happily ever after.

But it never happens. So you hold on… and hold on… and hold on… the infamous “but I love him (or her)” cliché quoted with sheepish eyes every time the suggestion to leave is brought up.

Research in psychology shows that one of the major reasons we find it difficult to end relationships is because of our investment in the relationship. It is much easier to walk away from something or someone with whom we have little or no investment whether it be in the form of the length of time spent in the relationship, the amount of energy, finances or emotions poured into the relationship or just about anything we consider valuable.

It is much easier to cut our losses and walk away when those losses are not considered great. But the more invested we are, the more difficult it is to walk away.But what does this have to do with speaking or being a better speaker? I mean, this blog is about speaking. This is not Dr Phil, right?

Prefer audio? you can listen to this article below while you drive, do the dishes or whatever you fancy

Go casual

As speakers, there are certain things we must treat casually and never be afraid to walk away from if we are to give the best to our audiences and reap the rewards of doing so. Being too emotionally attached to these things will make it difficult to cut the cord when necessary.

Virtually every part of a presentation must be seen as a tool – a tool for your message.

Virtually every part of a presentation must be seen as a tool – a tool for your message. And although, strictly speaking, there should be no sacred cows at all, there are three major elements that I have observed trip speakers up and often prevent their audience (and themselves) from getting the most out of their presentation.So here they are (after much necessary ado) - three things you must not fall in love with as a speaker

1. Your Slides

Your slides are tools. Never forget this.

A lot of speakers have doting, unhealthy relationships with their slides. They forget that a slide, regardless of how nicely dressed or how much time (read investment) it took to put it together, is no good if it does not work. And what works in slides will differ from audience to audience even if the message is essentially the same.

One of the worst forms of this unhealthy attachment to slides I see in some speakers I work with is in the practice of building slide-decks before outlining and crafting their speech. As a result, they try to force the foot to fit the shoe instead of the other way around. Do you do this?

“Oooh this picture is so pretty – I wonder how I can make my message work with it?”

Not effective. Don’t get me wrong, beautiful photos can be a source of inspiration at times but they should never dictate or direct your message. When a slide fails the ultimate test – the test of purpose and function, break up with it regardless of how pretty it is. There are plenty of pics in the sea.

For my article on slide design, click here. And for my free resource on sites to find and create stunning visuals, click here.

2. Your Sentences

I know what you are thinking – speech is all about sentences right? After all, a good speech is one in which the speaker says the right things, correct?

Yes… and no. Let’s define what we mean by “the right things”.

If by the right things you mean that the speaker has the right elements, a tight intro and conclusion, the right arrangement of points and supports, and the right delivery (including the use of some rhetoric devices), I agree!

If however, you mean that the speaker obsesses over every single noun, pronoun adjective and adverb and will not let something as minute as an occasional “um” go without the most vicious angst, then I must disagree.

Here’s the bottom-line—obsessing over excessively flowery language and grammatically infallible verbiage not only distracts you from putting together a smooth, natural and free-flowing speech, but it can also actually hurt your credibility! No that was not a typo, and yes I am sober.

Perfect language that sounds like you are reading from a textbook makes you seem out of touch with reality and can alienate you from many audiences. Just like in relationships, audiences are suspicious of a speaker who seems too polished, practised and over-rehearsed.

Aim for good grammar and clarity but do not get so uptight that you come off as stiff, or worse, that you lose your place completely and can’t find your way back because you got hung up over saying “which” instead of “what”.  This becomes even more important in persuasive speaking.

Craft some clever, memorable phrases into your presentation where it counts and work the rest from a strategic outline you have taken time to get very familiar with. This keeps you light and nimble, able to adapt on the fly and enhance your connection with your audience.

3. Your...SELF…

“… to see ourselves as others see us”

First, break up with yourself, then get over yourself, then craft your speech.

This is perhaps the most difficult. After all, we have been told by everyone from self-help experts to religious leaders to mom and dad how we ought to “love ourselves”.

Let me make a distinction. We can love ourselves but, as speakers, we are not allowed to be in love with ourselves.

First, break up with yourself. Then get over yourself. Then craft your speech.

Perhaps you have had a date like this—the mostly ok person who was not downright repulsive but could only see things from his/her perspective. I'll bet it was hard to truly connect and the relationship struggled and eventually ended. Or maybe you just got married (sigh).

As we prepare our speeches, it is very easy to forget that what matters most is the purpose of our speech (our message) and the people (the audience). One of the skills I help my clients build is what I call objectivity ability in thinking about their presentation.

It is easy to impose our own views, biases and even limitations on our audiences leading us to the unconscious creation of false assumptions that could really hurt the presentation. What I just spoke to is a subtle, important but non-fatal aspect of self-love in speakers.

There is, of course, the more obvious incarnation of this phenomenon – the self-obsessed, self-absorbed bloviating braggart who talks down to his audience and acts like he pays the rent on the very air they breathe.**

Granted, some people will be attracted to this bozo (daddy issues perhaps) but most self-respecting audiences will punish this degree of self-love with damning disdain. At its extreme, audience members have been known to walk out - the audience version of “it’s getting late, I should get going!”

If this is you, it is time you had the talk with yourself – “we need to talk… this isn’t working out” - before your audience (or employer) does.

To be clear, there must be balance. Who we are speakers is hugely important and using our experiences, preferences, style and personalities to enhance our message is a valuable skill but one that still needs to be attuned to the audience and the purpose.

You might like fine clothing, wining and dining but wearing a pin-striped suit, silk tie and a pair of jet-black oxfords to deliver a seminar on self-leadership to a group of teens might not serve you well. Neither will references to Chardonnay or caviar.

So, tough as it might be, as speakers, we often need to break up with ourselves for while.

“Dear me, I need sometime apart so I can craft a killer presentation. It’s not you, it’s me”

 **Note: this is not the same as a “no-nonsense” style of speaking which a speaker may intentionally adopt especially when trying to shake an audience out of an ingrained or persistent pattern of harmful or destructive behaviour. A good speaker will adopt this as a strategic choice to help his purpose with the audience but always with restraint and respect.