Why you need an anti-mentor​ in your life (and how to pick one)

Mentors are terrific! They are people who have gone ahead and accomplished what we are after. And when we engage them and tap into their experience and wisdom, it can save us a lot of time and energy in pursuing our goals. That's all well and good. But what about the anti-mentor?

I think he is just as important. But who exactly is the anti-mentor?

Who is the anti-mentor?

The mentor is, in a sense, who you want to be. The anti-mentor is who you absolutely do NOT want to be.The anti-mentor is the person whose life choices—personal or professional—have led them to circumstances in their lives that you definitely do not wish to experience in your life.

The mentor is, in a sense, who you want to be. The anti-mentor is who you absolutely do NOT want to be.

This may be how their personal lives, relationships, financial situations or health have turned out.

It may also be how their professional lives have unfolded.

Sometimes, it is a mix of successes and failures across different aspects of the person's life that prompts you to reflect on your own trajectory (more on this later)

Why you need an anti-mentor

There are objectively a lot more ways to fail than there are to succeed. And while we are better off focusing on the principles of success, it is very useful to learn about some of the ways of being that may lead to failure as evidenced in the anti-mentor's life, so that we can avoid them.

There are objectively a lot more ways to fail than there are to succeed.

Anti-mentors also help us see what is possible in a different way from a mentor.

A mentor shows the way to the light - a path to our dreams. But an anti-mentor can do something just as valuable—they show us the "dark side" of what is possible. They are living proof of what could happen if we are careless or greedy or egotistic. They are the Darth-Vader to our Luke Skywalker (I couldn't resist).

In this sense, anti-mentors provide a unique brand of motivation. The kind that keeps you moving in one direction if only because you realize you do not want what awaits when you move in another.

How to choose an anti-mentor

Choosing an anti-mentor can be tough. It can feel like a bad thing to pick someone to learn from based on their demerits.

But this is not about looking down on someone. It is about looking hard at yourself and empathizing with another person. It is about appreciating how easy it is for people to make mistakes and how weaknesses can be deadly when not handled.

I have a lot of regard for my anti-mentors in the sense that I realize (after having many) that, in spite of their results, they were doing their best with what they had at the time.

My job is to learn from that and improve upon what my best is, and what I have. Period.With that, let us look at a few criteria to help you choose your anti-mentor.

Far ahead enough to be insightful

An anti-mentor, like a mentor, should be someone who has gone ahead. Usually, it is best if it someone older and farther along in life and their careers than you.

A peer we do not want to be like is simply someone to make fun of or compare ourselves to so we can feel better. I know we may not like to admit that, but it is likely true. But an aunt or uncle or supervisor (or even parent) whose life has unfolded in an undesirable way offers a lot more insight because you can see the future, as it were, in them.

Now on to the next criterion.

Similar enough to be relatable

It is important that your anti-mentor be similar enough to you for the implications (and applications to you) to be real. Large differences in demographics such as gender, level of education, career, geography, family status etc can make it difficult to draw specific and pertinent lessons from their lives.

An entry-level banking executive with a bachelor's degree, a lease and a steady girlfriend may not gain much from picking a hobo as an anti-mentor. There isn't enough overlap. His unit manager, however, or even the CEO of the company may have some career and personal life anti-mentor lessons to teach him. She can show him a thing or two about what lies ahead. That is, of course, if he is interested in working in that field.

For you, it helps if you are able to look into the future and see how, with a few misaligned tweaks, you could wind up like your anti-mentor. Though, of course, the goal is for you not to.

Specific enough to be useful

Just like with your mentors, it helps to be specific about what you want (or do not want in this case).

Saying a person is "a bad person" is dismissive and lazy. Most people are a mix—strengths and weaknesses; successes and failures; virtues and vices—just like you.

Being specific about what particular aspect of their lives you find undesirable can help you glean more meaningful lessons for yourself. For example, they may be great at their jobs but have an awful family life or some eating or drinking habits that have compromised their health.

I personally know a person who is a gifted writer and an accomplished, charismatic speaker. Something was off though. You see, for a long time, I wondered why any expression of praise for them around their peers prompted a concerted eyeball pirouette. Everyone who knew them well seemed less impressed about their accomplishments than I was.

Saying a person is "a bad person" is dismissive and lazy. Most people are a mix - strengths and weaknesses; successes and failures; virtues and vices - just like you.

This baffled me for a while. And then, as I got to know the person, I realized that they had an abrasive and condescending personal communication style and an ego the size of a tank! I found this scary, albeit from a selfish perspective.

You see, I was scared to see how easily, if I were careless, I could start to fall into the same trap. We are often not as aware of our capacity for error or evil until after the fact. I did not want that for myself.

The point?

The point here is I did not try to learn everything from this anti-mentor. I did not learn about errors of punctuation or choice of running shoes or lavaliere microphones. I simply learned the value of humility, self-awareness and self-regulation especially in the face of success. I started to pay attention to the aspects of that person's life in a bid to understand the factors that may have led to their state. And then I started to reflect to see if any of those factors applied (or could later) apply to me. In this sense, this anti-mentor gave me so much more with less than I could have gotten trying to get too much.

Who will be your anti-mentor(s)?

Now you know why you need an anti-mentor. And you also have some tips to guide your choice. Let me present a caveat - I do NOT recommend or condone "digging up dirt" or defaming anyone or even looking down on anyone based on aspects of their lives you do not agree with.

This is not the point.If, however, someone does come into your life from whom you could learn a few anti-mentor lessons, I think it is wise to do so.

And that person may already be around you. The person may even be your mentor ;)

Until the next article, be your best and do your best.