What to do when you are feeling guilty about failing to follow through

We have all been there. We have felt the pain of feeling guilty when we fail to follow through on our goals or commitments. Maybe we set goals, made plans and started off with enthusiasm. One week, two weeks, maybe even 4 weeks pass and things are going swimmingly. And then we drop the ball. We lose momentum. We put off a day or two of doing some important work. We skip a day or even a week of going to the gym. Or we flake out of spending quality time with someone important to us. Or maybe we slip up in some moral or personality improvement pursuit. And it sucks. We still care deeply about our work, our well-being and our relationships but we simply failed to follow through. Maybe we were tired, maybe something came up. Or maybe we got lazy. Whatever it was, we did not do what we committed to do. And it sucks.

In this article, let me share with you how you can turn that guilt into something great.

You are feeling guilty because you care

Guilt is actually good for you. But only to a point. To explain, let me ask you a question - have you ever found yourself feeling guilty about something you didn’t care about? Probably not.

For example, as a little child, I never felt guilty when I wasted food. But as I grew older and became more aware of the unimaginable poverty in the parts of the world (and even parts of my own city), I became much more grateful for what I had and I committed to stop wasting food. I started to measure my portions more deliberately and did my best to minimize waste even if the best I could do then was give my leftovers to my pet dog instead of throwing it in the trash. Till this day, every time I have to throw something out of the fridge because we overstocked and it went bad, I feel a little twinge in my chest. That twinge? That is guilt. I feel it now because I care a little more. And you feel guilty about failing at keeping up with a commitment because you care about that commitment too. If you think about it, strange as it may sound, that is a good thing. And that is the heart of the goodness of feeling guilty.But there is a dark side to guilt too.

Guilt gone bad

Feeling guilty indicates to you that what you are working on is important to you. In this sense, feeling guilty is good. In fact, if you felt no guilt at all, I would suggest you revisit your motivations for setting the goal in the first place. But, while guilt can be a useful signal, it can also be dangerous.

Guilt should be a hand that taps you upside the head when you screw up, not a hand that holds you head down in a bucket of water until you give up.

Guilt turns bad when you allow it to paralyze you. Guilt is bad when it keeps you from pressing forward with your goals and desires. It should signal but not stay. Guilt should be a hand that slaps you upside the head when you screw up not a hand that holds your head down in a bucket of water until you give up.

How to handle guilt – Anthony’s Triple A Approach

Let me introduce you to my system for dealing with feeling guilty in the face of failing. I use this for myself and clients I work with on improving productivity and presentation. I call it the AAA system. Each A stands for an action and, when used in sequence, it can be a powerful model for turning guilt into greatness. So, let us look at each “A” and how it works and helps.

Acknowledge (but don’t indulge)

Guilt looks good naked. All of guilt’s positive aspects as we have talked about above are enhanced when our guilt is exposed to us. On the other hand, all its devious and dangerous debilitating powers operate most devastatingly when we ignore or deny its presence. Therefore, it is important that you acknowledge that you feel guilty.

As we talked about earlier, you do not want to indulge in the feeling of guilt. Just notice it and then move on to take appropriate action.The feeling of guilt is like an alarm. It is a good signal that something is wrong but it makes for terrible background music for any noticeable length of time in your life. Therefore, acknowledge it and move on to step two – analyze.

Analyze

Now that you have acknowledged that you feel guilty. It is time to do a little work (and have a little fun too). At this point, I want you to begin to analyze the entire experience – the guilt and the circumstances that lead to it -  on three levels.

Name it

I call this “giving the guilt a name”. It is important to do this objectively. Ask questions of yourself (maybe not out loud if you are in public). As an example, let us consider the guilt of failing to keep a commitment to spend time with someone important to you. Ask yourself – do I feel guilty because I let the person down? Or do I feel guilty because I let myself down? Or both?

Next level is to ask why it happened.

Mine it

Now you can ask why it happened – not the guilt, the failure. Why didn’t you follow through? Think internally as well as externally. Were you tired? Or did your car break down on the way there? Or did your car breakdown and you were too tired to even try to keep the appointment despite the breakdown? Identifying why you failed is perhaps the most valuable piece of this approach. It is so valuable because it prepares you for the next step in the analyzing stage.

Plan for it

Now that you have identified what caused the failure, you can put a system in place to check it. The system could be a new habit or the stopping of an old one. Either way, you ensure that you are prepared so that you can prevent a comparable situation from frustrating your commitment again. Make your plans more detailed if necessary so that you cover contingencies.

Why Analyze?

Analyzing the guilt and the circumstances is a brain hack. It takes the attention from the feeling or emotional side of the brain and refocuses on the problem-solving centres. This weakens the negativity you might be experiencing from the feeling of guilt and puts you in a resourceful state. Once you have tried this once or twice, you will be amazed at how quickly your mood changes if you had been feeling bad before.And with the invigoration you feel, you can move on to the next step in the AAA approach.

Advance

One of the best things you can do when you fail to follow through on a commitment is to move forward. The longer you wallow, the more you sallow. Now you have a better plan that you developed from the past failure. Take a bold step right away in the direction of your goal. The best place to start? Right where you left off.

The longer you wallow, the more you sallow.

Closing

You are feeling guilty about failing because you failed at something that matters. And if it matters enough to make you feel that way, then it matters enough for you to work at winning at it. Acknowledge the guilt, analyze and learn from the experience and advance towards your desires. I will be rooting for you.

Until the next post, be your best and do your best.

Anthony